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Jerry Seinfeld Match Game Show

Transcribed by: 13erla http://seinology.com
Posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks)

Episode 80 - The Stand-In
pc: 516, season 5, episode 16
Broadcast date: February 24, 1994
Written by Larry David
Directed by Tom Cherones
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The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ............ Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander ......... George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ....... Elaine Benes
Michael Richards ......... Cosmo Kramer
Guest Stars:
Mark Tymchyshyn ......Phil
Karla Tamburrelli ........Daphne
Debbie Lee Carrington ...Tammy
W. Earl Brown ..........Al
Michael Rivkin ..........Fulton
Joe Gieb ................Johnny
Layne Beamer ...........Father
Thomas Dekker .........Son
Jerome Betler ...........Director
rc: Danny Woodburn ....Mickey Abbott
[Setting: Comedy Club]
Opening Monologue: The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go 'what are you doing? get away, come on.' The back of the bus is like an eclipse isn't it? people are just like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts like he is trying to get out of a car and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting to get going)
(scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry and George on a Bus]
GEORGE: It's just not good, it's not good.
JERRY: It's not good.
GEORGE: I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers.
JERRY: Well at breakfast everybody reads.
GEORGE: No. Lunch we read, dinner we read.
JERRY: You read during lunch?
GEORGE: Ya
JERRY: Oh, well.
GEORGE: There's nothing to talk about.
JERRY: Ya, what's there to talk about.
GEORGE: Well at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
JERRY: Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about?
GEORGE: She knows there is nothing to talk about.
JERRY: At least you'll be talking.
GEORGE: Oh shut up.
(Al comes onto the bus)
AL: Hey, look who's here.
JERRY: Hey, Al.
GEORGE: Hey, Al. How's it going?
AL: (extremely happy) Deeply in love. We have soo many things to talk about. Sometimes we'll talk all night, till the sun comes up (pauses in his happiness; to George) so how about you?
GEORGE: Oh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her, Daphne Bower.
AL: Great girl.
GEORGE: We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks.
JERRY: Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.
AL: (to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton?
JERRY: Ya.
AL: I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit.
JERRY: Me?
AL: Ya, he said he could use a good laugh.
GEORGE: What about me?
AL: (to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks toward the front of the bus) This is my stop. Uh see ya.
GEORGE: Ya
JERRY: Ya, see ya.
(Al leaves)
GEORGE: Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.
JERRY: (points to George) Ya.
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry and George enter the apartment)
GEORGE: I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.
JERRY: Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me.
GEORGE: Na no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I.I make em feel worse.
JERRY: Oh, stop it.
GEORGE: Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care?
JERRY: So you're not gonna come?
GEORGE: No but say hello for me.
(Kramer and Mickey enter)
KRAMER: Hey!
JERRY: Hey! Hey Mick.
MICKEY: Hey Jerry.
KRAMER: What's doing?
JERRY: Nothing, what's doing with you?
KRAMER: Same old, same old.
JERRY: George this is Mickey.
GEORGE: Hi, nice to meet you.
(George and Mickey shake hands)
MICKEY: Pleasure.
JERRY: How's work going you guys?
MICKEY: Lets not even talk about it.
GEORGE: (to Kramer) You got a job?
KRAMER: Ya, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father.
MICKEY: (to Jerry then both Jerry and George) But I got a big problem. The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's like four-two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches. I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that paralegal crap.
JERRY: How do you stop a kid from growing?
KRAMER: (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
MICKEY: I offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry and George) but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
KRAMER: (to Mickey) What about lifts?
MICKEY: (to Kramer) Out of the question.
GEORGE: (to Mickey) Can't you just switch with another Midget?
(Mickey grabs the counter with rage on his face, Jerry does a form of gulp)
MICKEY: (turns and moves up to George, points his finger at him) It's little people, you got that?
KRAMER: Easy Mickey, easy.
GEORGE: Yap.
KRAMER: All right we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?
JERRY: I'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton.
KRAMER: (on his way to the door) Oh, oh well say hello for me.
(Kramer and Mickey leave Jerry's apartment and enter the hallway)
KRAMER: Now look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes.
MICKEY: Lifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done.
KRAMER: You wanna keep your job don't you?
MICKEY: Ya but.
(Kramer interrupts him)
KRAMER: YAH! No Buts
MICKEY: Kramer
(Kramer interrupts again)
KRAMER: (with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!
(Scene Ends)
[Fulton's Hospital Room]
(Fulton lying in the Hospital Bed, Jerry Enters)
JERRY: Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me.
FULTON: Hey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really use a good laugh.
JERRY: Who couldn't.
FULTON: I haven't cracked a smile in months.
JERRY: Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad.. first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time.. because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold.. they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit.
FULTON: It's a fine time.
JERRY: Oh, all right ah well.. There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him..
(Scene Ends)
[Monk's]
(George and Daphne sitting in a booth reading the paper)
GEORGE: (sets down his paper) So how were the eggs?
DAPHNE: Eggs are eggs.
GEORGE: (Not amused with her answer) Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; Daphne goes back to reading her paper) By the same token you could say fish is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. (pauses) Listen Daphne
DAPHNE: (correcting George) Daphne.
GEORGE: Daphne. I have to tell you something, this is very difficult..
DAPHNE: (interrupts and hurriedly puts down her paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Al Netchie called me today.
GEORGE: Ya, ya. I b